Losing you

I'm losing you, and I can feel it; in my bones spraining with pain, in my garbled words reminiscing past but mostly inside my heart where I had conjured countless imaginations, crafted a picture of 'our' future and now the picture is going far away, the dream is slipping from my reach. And I am frantically trying to grasp it, clutching nothing but darkness. There's nothing to hold onto, no sweet talks or indelible memories just ferocious and brutal accusations, and  insensitive fights, and many more such rueful events, all more reasons to flee from this mess.
No abject promises, no contrite apologies, not even your unfailing kindness or innocuous sweetness can hold me back. I am determined to run, with all my might to fly away from this chaos.
I'd stagger, tremble, fall down but not stop. Each day I will put up an audacious struggle, battling your inevitable thoughts, you will be hard to resist, impossible to forget. And one of these days, the helplessness will gobble my puny efforts, when I would be haunted by your smile, whispers of past will bellow through my soul, and I will wander, madly searching for pieces which I gave, which I would need to regain in order to survive. With faint hopes, I'd look back, only to find out that you're long gone. The picture will be stark empty and it will hurt my ego bad, that you wouldn't even miss me at the time when I will be going through hell. I will be startled, becoming aware that my heart still had some spare left to be crushed and I'd experience the same pain I feel right now.
But before this wave of misery engulf me, I want to live my dream once. I want to hold you close, clutch your hand, embrace and kiss your smile just so you could know what you do to me. But I won't, I am oblivious but not foolish.
Confession would bring me closer to reality, which as always will ruin my life. My fantasies will efface, truth will shuck my dreams. Holding you in my arms, the realisation will hit me like a wallop that after all this time, you're still a stranger, that for so long I had been in love with an apparition sculpted inside my head. And it'll destroy me to know that it's impossible to lose you, because you were never even here, that since the begging I am the one who has been lost.

Darkness

Why is darkness so frowned upon? Has no one seen the beauty it beholds in its depth? It is utterly soothing and deeply palatable. Why do we keep battling it? Every one has a dark side that is strong, powerful and all our life we keep fighting to put monster on abeyance, but bits and pieces we keep losing to it anyway. Why not succumb to its majestic power? Why can't we be more open minded towards it? Yes, darkness defines my reality which at its best would definitely make you suffer your worst.
We put up a charade of being normal, because we want to keep our hearts safe, cozy warm in the light, but what's light anyway? Just a softer shade of darkness. And then we suffer trying to convince ourselves that lie told is indeed truth.
There is nothing more comforting and relaxing than darkness. Once you've befriended it, it does miracles. It puts a stop on my constant anxiety to be something more, a halt on my nervousness about not living my life to full.
It flares positivity, by inducing negativity in my perspective. Ever wonder, why can't be at our worst behaviour, when it comes so naturally to us? We are all capable of terrible things. Ever smelled the ashes of burned souls? Ever witnessed the ruins after whirlwind of destruction? Frightening at first, but eventually fills up with an odd sadist satisfaction.
Knowing that I am at my worst, convincing myself it's all I will ever be good for, makes me feel numb, which on days is really blissful. It feels weirdly contented because darkness shucks off unrealistic desires, wishes, hopes, expectations, love- all traumatic traits which has done mankind no good.
Amongst all sorrow, I wander in desperate search for reasons to be gratified about. And that's the only moment I am in present, actually grateful for my existence. I step out in the wind, feel the soil under my feet, the sparkling sunlight on my face, count my breaths and I smile, knowing I am just fine.
Darkness doesn't turn anyone blind, rather it gives new eyes. Some genius rightly said that one needs darkness to look at the stars. Darkness consumed in regrets, stinking of guilt saves you from efforts of stealing other's light knowing it'd be futile, it propels you to ignite it within and that's the real beauty of it.